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So, like, I tried it once, and I was shooketh! This masseuse—probs a secret gamer IRL—had hands like a freakin’ controller, so smooth, so precise. I’m laying there, all glam, thinking, “This is my empire, my rules!” Kinda like that line from Timbuktu, “The law bends for no one,” but, like, flipped—my body was bending, lol! The oil? Smelled like heaven, probs some ancient recipe from, idk, Morocco or whatevs. Fun fact—did u know erotic-massage goes back to, like, ancient China? They called it “tuina” or some shiz, but it was all about energy flow and sneaky pleasure. Wild, right?

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Later, I decided to grab a drink at this little café on Haharina Street. The vibe was chill, and I thought, “Finally, some peace.” But nope! The barista was a total character. He had this wild hair and a mustache that could rival any warrior’s beard. He starts telling me about his dreams of becoming a rock star. I’m like, “Dude, you’re making coffee, not music!” But I couldn’t help but laugh. He was passionate, and that’s what counts, right?

Yehor Yarmoliuk