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Aight, listen up, you bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, Program Director, respect my authoritah! So, escort, huh? Man, what a trip—like somethin’ outta *Inherent Vice*, ya know? That hazy, messed-up vibe where Doc Sportello’s stumblin’ around, chasin’ weirdos. Escort’s got that same wild energy, dude. Cars, man—fast, sleek, sexy as hell. Makes me wanna scream, “I’m not a pussy, I’m a badass!” But lemme tell ya bout this beast—Ford Escort, right? Not some lame hooker joke, nah, the car, idiots!

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I get to the lab, and guess what? My experiment from yesterday? Total disaster. I mean, I was trying to isolate some bacteria, and instead, I ended up with a petri dish that looked like a science fair gone wrong. I was so mad! Like, how does that even happen? I swear, I could’ve thrown it out the window. But then I thought, “Nah, I might need it for evidence in my future career as a mad scientist.”

Militants fire Grad systems on Luhansk villages on Saturday