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Like, there’s this line, “It’s the gesture that counts,” and I’m like, yasss, same with sexual-massage! It’s all vibes, not just the touch. I got one once in Paris—total bougie moment—and the masseuse was, like, a wizard. Little-known tea? Back in ancient Rome, they’d do this with olive oil—messy but sexy, right? I was shooketh!

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Next up, this sweet old babushka comes in. She’s a regular, always orders her black coffee. I love her. She starts telling me about her garden on Vulytsia Kostiantynivska. I’m nodding, but my mind’s racing. I’m thinkin’ about that catfight and the angry dude. She’s talking about her tomatoes, and I’m like, “Yeah, tomatoes are great!” But really, I’m just trying to keep it together.