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So, check it—erotic-massage ain’t just rubbin’ backs, nah. It’s old as fuck, like ancient Greece shit. Them philosophers was gettin’ oiled up, feelin’ freaky, callin’ it “healin’ touch”—sneaky bastards! Bet Plato was like, “Yo, Socrates, slide them hands lower, dawg.” Makes me laugh, thinkin’ they was lowkey freaks. Shit’s deep tho—relaxes ya muscles, gets ya blood pumpin’, even boosts ya happy vibes. Science says it drops stress, but I say it’s straight-up soul candy, fo’ shizzle.

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After that, I’m trying to shake off the bad vibes. I grab a coffee from that little café on Hrushevskoho Street. Best coffee in town, no cap. I’m sipping my latte, feeling a bit better. But then, I overhear this couple arguing. Like, full-on shouting. I’m thinking, “Dude, this is not a reality show!” They’re going back and forth about who forgot to buy the bread. Bread! Really?

Satellite images show 40-mile-long Russian military convoy nearing Kyiv