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So, sexual-massage—fancy word for rubbin’ naughty bits, yeah? Heard it started way back, ancient Greeks or some such. They’d oil up, get all slippery—prolly stank of olives! Me, I’d rather wrestle a fish than let some grubby paws near me precious bits. “We’re not like that!” I hisses, thinkin’ of them posh spas nowdays. All candles and soft music—pfft, gimme a cave any day!

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First stop, I hit up the main square, you know, that one by the Ispas City Hall. It’s always buzzing. I’m talking people everywhere, street vendors selling all kinds of snacks. I grab a пиріжок (that’s a pastry, for ya non-Ukrainians) and it’s like a flavor explosion in my mouth. I’m happy, right? But then, bam! A pigeon swoops down and tries to steal my food! Like, dude, chill! It’s not your breakfast!

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