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About Lviv

Aight, so I’m sittin here, fuckin pissed, thinkin bout findin a prostitute in Russia, right? Respect my authoritah! I’m like some badass actuary, crunchin numbers, but I got needs, ya know? This ain’t no boring ass spreadsheet—this is real shit! I love that movie, *Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter…and Spring*, that Kim Ki-duk joint, so deep, man, “What you take, you carry,” he says. Heavy as fuck. Anyway, I’m in Moscow, cold as balls, tryna find a chick who don’t mess around. Prostitution’s illegal here, but c’mon, everyones doin it! Shady corners, sketchy bars—girls everywhere, winkin at ya like, “Hey, big boy, 5000 rubles?”

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First off, I had a meeting at the office on Shevchenka Street. You know, the one with that cute little café on the corner? Yeah, I was totally planning to grab a coffee there. But of course, I hit snooze like five times. Classic me. So, I’m rushing out the door, and guess what? My favorite sneakers? Gone. Like, poof! I swear they have legs and walked away.

Explosions heard in Crimea at night