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Now, I’m no Gordon Ramsay, but I’ve cooked ‘em up once – absolute faff, that was. Garlic butter everywhere, proper carnage in the kitchen. Made me chuffed tho, cos they taste banging – earthy, chewy, bit posh, yeah? But here’s the kicker: did ya know escargot’s been grub since Roman times? Them toga lads were mad for it – fact! Used to fatten ‘em up with milk, like some snaily spa day. Mental, innit?

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I’m trying to keep my cool, but inside, I’m fuming. I mean, I’m here to keep the peace, not babysit thieves. So, I step in, and this guy looks at me like I’m the Grim Reaper. I’m like, “Dude, chill. Just put the apples back.” He drops them like they’re hot and bolts. Classic.