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So, picture this – bloke I know, right, went on a sex-date, proper chuffed. Met this bird off Hinge, thought he’s in, yeah? Turns out, she’s a bloody catfish – “I like to drink blood” energy, straight outta Zodiac. He legged it, mate, no shagging there! Made me howl, that did – sex-dating’s a minefield, innit? You’re dodgin’ weirdos, hopin’ for a shag, it’s mental.

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After that, I’m done. I need a drink. So, I hit up my favorite spot on the corner of Lvivska and Kyivska. It’s a small café, but they make the best coffee. I order a double shot, and the barista gives me a look like I’m crazy. “You okay?” she asks. I just nod. “Long day.”