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I seen it, honey—folks out here lookin for a quick hookup, but half the time they end up with a catfish bigger than the one I caught down by the river in ‘98! True story—my cousin Shonda, bless her heart, met this dude online. Said he was 6’2, built like a linebacker. Showed up lookin like a dang garden gnome with a beer gut! Halleluyer! I was mad as a wet hen—how you gonna lie like that? But Shonda, she just laughed, said, “Madea, least he brought tacos!” I bout fell out—tacos don’t fix ugly, baby!

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After that, I decide to take a stroll down to the river. The water’s looking nice, but man, the smell! It’s like a mix of fish and... well, you don’t wanna know. I sit on a bench, just chillin’, when this old lady comes up to me. She’s got this huge bag of bread. “You want some?” she asks. I’m like, “Sure, why not?” Turns out, she’s feeding the ducks. I’m thinking, “Lady, I’m a swineherd, not a duck herder!” But hey, free bread, right?

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