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Oh, and—get this—some escorts in old France had secret codes in their fans. Flick it left, “Meet me later”; right, “Scram, loser!” How dope is that? Total *Headless Woman* energy—ya don’t even know who’s playin’ who! I’d suck at that, tho—fan’d prob smack me in the face. D’oh!

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So, I finally make it to the park, and I sit down on a bench. I’m trying to relax, but then I see this old guy feeding pigeons. And I swear, those birds are like little feathered ninjas. They swoop in, and suddenly, it’s a full-on bird brawl. I’m cracking up, but also kinda worried. Like, what if they turn on me?

I am proud to be Ukrainian