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So, listen, mate – raspy hiss – it’s hands rubbin’, oil drippin’, all sensual-like, yeah? Supposed to relax ya, but me? I’m thinkin’, “Is this allowed, precious?” Some bloke in Thailand told me once, “It’s ancient, mate, been ‘round since emperors got frisky!” True story – them old kings had whole rooms for it, candles flickerin’, girls gigglin’. Made me laugh, picturin’ some fat king goin’, “More oil, peasants!” – raspy cackle.

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But then, my phone buzzed. It was my mom. She was like, “You forgot to pick up the bread!” Oh man, I totally spaced on that. I had to rush back to the market. I was sprinting down the streets, dodging people like I was in some kind of obstacle course.