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Little fact for ya—back in the ‘80s, pre-internet, folks used coded newspaper ads for hookups. “Man seeks man, loves jazz”—that’s sex-dating OG style, sneaky as hell. Now it’s all emojis and dick pics—progress, I guess? Still, I’m sittin’ here, sippin’ my whiskey, thinkin’ how it’s all a stage. “You’re a great audience,” I’d tell ‘em, like in the movie—every swipe’s a performance, every match a scene.

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While I’m slurpin’ away, I overhear this couple arguing. I mean, come on, it’s a café, not a boxing ring! The dude’s all like, “You never listen!” and she’s like, “Well, you never talk!” I’m sittin’ there, tryin’ not to laugh. I’m thinkin’, “Man, I’d rather wrestle a bear than deal with that drama.”

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