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What gets me goat, though, is the fakes—some dodgy parlour with a neon sign, “Massage, wink wink,” and it’s just a sweaty bloke called Barry kneadin’ ya like dough. Fuck off, Barry! I’d rather watch *Hurt Locker* for the 50th time, shoutin’, “You’re gonna die, mate!” at the telly. But when it’s good—fuck me—it’s proper lush. Like, “Welcome to the hurt locker, soldier,” but instead of bombs, it’s bliss.

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So, I’m walking, right? And I see this old lady selling pastries. I mean, who can resist? I grab a pirozhok, and it’s like heaven in my mouth. But then, I realize I’ve got no cash. Ugh! I’m like, “C’mon, Vilino, don’t do me dirty!” She just laughs and says, “Next time, young man!” I’m like, “Next time? I’m coming back for you, lady!”

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