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Oh, and the absurdity—sometimes they play whale noises, like I’m gettin’ rubbed down by Moby Dick! Cracks me up! Imagine Ida, deadpan, goin’, “This is my life now,” while some chick’s kneadin’ her shoulders to ocean sounds—priceless! Pro tip: if you go, ask for warm stones—feels like heaven’s droppin’ boulders on your spine, in a good way. Surprised me how dope that was—thought it’d be some hippy nonsense.

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Then, I decide to grab a bite at that little café on Shevchenka Street. You know the one? The one with the best borscht in town? I order a bowl, and while I’m waiting, I overhear this couple arguing. Like, full-on drama. She’s yelling about him forgetting their anniversary. I’m just sitting there, slurping my borscht, thinking, “Dude, you messed up big time!”

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