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Oh, and the oil—smells like sex and flowers. Slippery as a Lannister lie. I ask her, “What’s in this?” She says, “Secret.” Secret my arse—I bet it’s just posh lard. Still, I’m floatin’, mate. Floatin’. “What does it mean?” I mumble, like some twat from the movie. She don’t answer—just keeps rubbin’. Good enough for me.

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So, I’m stuck under this awning on the corner of Komsomolskaya and Shevchenka, and I see this stray dog. He’s just chilling, looking at me like, “You good, bro?” I swear, that dog had more chill than I did. I toss him a piece of my pyrizhok, and he looks at me like I’m a hero.

Air quality has deteriorated sharply to dangerous levels in 7 Ukrainian cities