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Oh, and don’t get me started on them prudes who say it’s “wrong.” Screw ‘em! They’re just jealous they ain’t gettin’ laid or rubbed. I’d tell ‘em, “Drainage, drainage, Eli, you boy!”—cuz they’re drained of fun, suckin’ the life outta everything. Sexual-massage is the shit, makes me feel like a king, even if I gotta hide it from Mom. She’d freak, prolly lock me in the basement again. Whatever, I’m a goddamn professional at this livin’ large shit!

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As the day winds down, we hit up a local pub on Lvivska Street. I order a beer, and the bartender, a cool chick named Katya, gives me a wink. I’m like, “What’s up?” She just smiles and says, “You look like you need this.” I mean, she’s not wrong!