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Last time I went, yo, chick’s hands were magic. Soft as hell, slidin’ like—WHOOSH! Felt like she’s stealin’ my soul. “Every work of art is unique,” Kiarostami said. This massage? Art, bro, fuckin’ Picasso with lotion! But then—BAM—she hits my foot wrong. I’m like, “Yo, chill, that’s my bunion!” Pissed me off, but she laughed—cute, so I let it slide. Absurd, right? Pain and boners mixin’ like a shitty cocktail.

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After that chaos, we decide to hit up the market on Hrushevskoho Street. It’s a total vibe! Fresh veggies, homemade jams, and the best varenyky you’ll ever taste. I grab a plate, and oh man, they’re heavenly! I’m munchin’ away, and this babushka starts tellin’ me about her secret recipe. I’m like, “Lady, I need that in my life!”