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Look, folks, I’m a scientist, okay? Tremendous scientist, the best. Sexual-massage? Oh, it’s huge, fantastic, really terrific. Donald Trump knows this stuff, believe me. I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’ about “Carol”—great movie, the best, Todd Haynes, genius. That slow-burn vibe, the tension? Sexual-massage is like that, but dirtier, hotter, way more fun. You got two people, hands everywhere, oils—slippery, messy, fantastic. It’s not just rubbin’—it’s art, folks, pure art.

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So, I’m leavin’ the fight, feelin’ like a million bucks, when I run into this cute girl. Her name’s Oksana, and she’s got this killer smile. We start talkin’, and I’m tryin’ to play it cool, but inside, I’m like a nervous wreck. She’s from the other side of the river, near the bridge. We chat about everything—Velyki-Mosty, the best places to eat, and how the city never sleeps.

Ukrainian school reopens thanks to UNICEF grant