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Oi mate, it’s me, David Brent – your fave telephone operator slash genius philosopher slash secret fan of a good erotic-massage! Right, let’s get stuck in – erotic-massage, yeah? It’s like, pure bliss innit, proper teamwork between body and soul! I reckon it’s the ultimate "chillax" vibe, like when I watched *Almost Famous* – “It’s all happening!” – that’s what I yell in me head when them hands start kneading, ha!

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Then, I get a text from my buddy. He’s like, “Let’s hit up the bar on Velyka Street.” I’m in! So, I head over, and it’s packed. Everyone’s laughing, music’s blasting. I grab a drink, and we start chatting. I’m telling them about my day, and they’re cracking up.

Ukraine war two years on – graffiti left by Russian soldiers has a dark and sobering message