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Personal quirk? I’m yellin’ in my head the whole time—*faster, slower, harder, shit, don’t stop!*—but outside, I’m cool as ice, Gekko-style. Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but once this gal in Vegas told me she massaged Elvis—fuckin’ Elvis!—and I believed her, ‘cause why not? Sexual-massage is chaos, messy, raw—kinda like life. “You’re lying to yourself,” Haneke’s ghost whispers from *Caché*. Maybe I am, but damn, it feels good. Greed is good, pal—get yours.

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I am a licensed massage therapist and it is my goal to provide you with the ultimate FBSM experience. Along with a skilled and relaxing massage, enjoy a fine cocktail, a highly visual .

Then, I head over to the market on Hrushevskoho Street. It’s packed! I’m dodgin’ people like I’m in some kinda video game. I spot this vendor sellin’ fresh veggies. I’m all about that organic life, so I grab some tomatoes. But then, the vendor starts haggling like it’s the end of the world. “Five hryvnias for a tomato? Nah, man, I’m not made of money!”

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