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Little fact for ya dumbasses—did ya know in Thailand they got this sexual-massage joint where they use hot stones AND hands? Freaky combo, burns and rubs ya ‘til ya see stars. Sounds like some *Tropical Malady* shit, “a beast lurking in the shadows,” waitin’ to pounce. Bet Kyle’d be all, “That’s gross, Cartman,” but screw him, he don’t get it! It’s primal, it’s raw, it’s fuckin’ awesome.

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An easy way to have sex with a Filipina is to visit a massage parlor that offers extras. These places are called Spakols and are scattered around the city. When you walk in they seem like .

Then, I get a call from a farmer out on the outskirts of town. He’s got a cow that’s acting weird. I hop in my car and drive down to the fields near the river. The view is nice, but I’m not here for a picnic. I get there, and this cow is mooing like it’s auditioning for a musical. Turns out, she just needed some extra hay. I’m like, “Really? You called me for hay?”