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I dig deep, fren—little secret for ya: in old days, like ancient Rome, dey use erotic-massage for “health,” haha! Rich guys, togas off, gettin rubbed—dey call it “therapy,” I call it party! Very nice! Makes me laugh, dese old pervs, actin all fancy. Den I find out, some places now, dey charge $200 for one hour! Wot?! Dat’s my goat’s dowry! I get mad—why so much? But den, happy again—dey say it fix stress, back pain, even soul! Like Amélie fixin dat blind guy’s day, “Zoop! Everything so clear now!”

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Then, I see this girl, right? She’s sittin’ alone, lookin’ all sad. I go over, and she tells me her friends ditched her. I’m like, “What kinda friends do that?” So, I grab her a drink, and we start talkin’. Turns out, she’s from Kyiv, just visiting Tyachiv. She’s super cool, and we end up laughin’ about the goat guy.

UKRAINE : Conscientious objector freed, new trial ordered