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Back in the day—little known fact—people fucked without apps. Wild, right? Met at pubs, shagged in alleys. Now? You’re judgin’ dick pics like it’s MasterChef. “This one’s raw, you donkey!” I tried it once—sex-dating, not the dick pics. Bird said she’s “adventurous.” Turns up, wants missionary and a cuppa. Fuckin’ hell, I nearly threw my phone! “Where’s the evolution in that?!” Samantha’d say. She’d spice shit up, not bore me to death.

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By the end of the day, I’m exhausted. I head to the park on the outskirts of Terebovlia to unwind. The sun’s setting, and it’s beautiful. I sit on a bench, watching the kids play and the old folks chatting. It’s peaceful. I think about how crazy today was. From parades to cat insurance, Terebovlia never fails to surprise me.

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