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About Lviv

Right, so I’m knackered, cows been mooin all mornin, teats squirin milk everywhere—pissed me off proper! Then I’m like, sod this, I need a shag, somethin to shake the barn dust off me. Off I trudge, boots still stinkin, to this shady lane—thinkin, “How much?” like that lass in the film whisperin her fears. We’ve all got our price, eh? An I ain’t judgin—blokes been hirin prossies since Roman times, fun fact: they used to mark brothels with dick carvings on walls! True story, google it.

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We start our tour, and I’m trying to be all enthusiastic, you know? “Look over there! That’s the old church on Vulytsia Kostiantynivska!” But then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, like, monsoon-level rain. I’m soaked, my hair’s a mess, and my tourists are huddled under a tiny awning, looking like wet puppies.

A terrible tragedy occurred with a pizzaiolo who came from Slovenia to Ukraine