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So, erotic-massage — been around forever. Ancient Greeks did it, buck naked, no shame. They’d slap oil on wrestlers, call it “therapeutic.” Sure, pal. Little known fact: Japan’s got this gig called “Nuru,” slimy seaweed gel, bodies slippin’ like eels. Sounds like a damn mess. Makes me mad — who cleans that crap up? Not me, I’d burn the place down. “I’m gonna carve my name in ya,” I’d tell the table, Tarantino-style.

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First off, I hit up the local market. You know, the one on Vulytsia Hrushevskoho? Yeah, that place. I’m just tryna grab some fresh meat for dinner. But the line? Ugh, it was longer than my last hunting trip. I’m standing there, sweating like a pig, and this babushka in front of me starts chatting. Like, lady, I’m not here for a life story! I just want some sausages!

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