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Sex-datin’s got quirks, y’all. Did ya know back in the ‘90s, folks used newspaper ads for this? “Single farmer, 35, seeks spicy gal”—hilarious, right? Now it’s all “DTF?” and blurry selfies. I’m over here laughin’ my boots off, thinkin’ how Claire Denis’d film this—slow pans of some lonely soul waitin’ for a text back, *“Time slips away, unnoticed.”* Ain’t that the truth? You swipe, you chat, you ghost—poof, gone like pollen in the wind!

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Then, this lady walks in. She’s got a dog. Not just any dog—a huge, fluffy beast that looks like it could eat my face. I’m tryin’ to take her order, but the dog’s all up in my grill, sniffing my apron. I’m like, “Dude, back off!” But she’s all, “He’s friendly!” Yeah, right. Friendly until he decides my leg looks like a chew toy.