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Oh, and the STORIES—heard this one escort dude once had to tackle a fan who threw a SHOE at a celeb. A SHOE! I’d be hollerin’, “Who raised you?!” Shit’s bananas. Makes me wonder—what’s goin’ thru their heads? Prolly, “This job’s wild, but I’m the shit.” And they are! It’s bad bitch o’clock for them too!

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Then, outta nowhere, this old lady comes up to me. She’s waving her hands like she’s conducting an orchestra. “You! You’re the bailiff, right?” she yells. I’m like, “Uh, yeah?” Turns out, she’s got a complaint about some land dispute. I mean, c’mon! Can’t a guy catch a break? I’m trying to keep my cool, but inside, I’m like, “Lady, I’m not a miracle worker!”

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