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Sometimes it’s too much, tho – overdone. Too many oils, stinks like cheap coconut. “A single note, endlessly prolonged” – movie again. That’s the rubbin’, endless, hypnotic, bit creepy. We swears! Best part? When they hit that spot. Back cracks, soul floats – pure gold, precious! Worst? When they talk – shut it, lady! Exaggeratin’ now – felt like king once. Next time, like soggy hobbit in rain.

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Then, I head to the park near the river. It’s a beautiful day, sun shining, birds chirping. I’m feeling good, right? Wrong! I sit down on a bench, and boom! A pigeon decides my lap is the perfect landing spot. I freak out, flailing my arms like a maniac. Everyone’s staring. I’m like, “Chill, it’s just a bird!” But inside, I’m dying of embarrassment.

Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger was desperate to sign Manchester City's Oleksandr Zinchenko two years ago