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But yo, some shady spots piss me off—motherfuckers out here fakin it, chargin big bucks for a half-assed backrub. Ain’t no soul in it! I’m yellin, “Where’s the fuckin passion?!” like I’m bout to blast a shark. Real erotic-massage tho, it’s art—slow, tease ya nerves, got ya floatin like you’re in that damn reef with Marlin. Ever tried it? Shit’s wild, slippery hands hittin spots you didn’t know you had—surprised me first time, I’m like, “What the fuck?!”

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First off, I hit up the local café on Shevchenka Street. You know, the one with the weird art on the walls? Yeah, that place. I order my usual—coffee, black, no sugar. But the barista? She’s like, “We’re out of coffee.” WHAT? In a coffee shop? I mean, c’mon! So, I settle for some weird herbal tea. Not the same vibe, ya know?

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