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Me fave bit? When they reckon they’re in control. Nah, mate, she’s clockin’ off soon as your wallet’s dry. “The beast waits in silence”—another *Tropical Malady* gem. Escorts are the beast, quiet-like, takin’ your dosh while you’re pantin’ like a dog. Cracks me up, it does—pathetic sods thinkin’ they’re Casanova. I’d rather shag a cactus than pay for that bollocks.

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First off, I hit up the local café on Shevchenka Street. You know, the one with the weirdly awesome pastries? I ordered a coffee, and the barista, bless her soul, totally messed it up. I mean, how do you mix up a cappuccino with a latte? I was like, “Girl, I wanted foam, not a milk bath!” But whatever, I chugged it anyway. Caffeine is life, right?

Oleg Didenko, Chairman of the Election Commission of Ukraine: ‘We have real and legal reasons why we cannot hold elections’