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Me? I tried it once. Once! Profile said “lumberjack lookin’ for fun.” Got a flood of weirdos—some chick sent a pdf of her “sex resume.” Three pages, single-spaced! Had charts! I burned my phone after that. Too much. Hate the oversharin’, the desperation. “He was a dangerous man,” they said ‘bout Jesse—well, these sex-daters are dangerous too. To my sanity. Another gal asked for my “kink list.” Told her I like woodworkin’ and silence. She unmatched me. Good riddance.

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First off, I hit up the local café on Shevchenka Street. You know, the one with the weirdly awesome pastries? I ordered a coffee, and the barista, bless her soul, totally messed it up. I mean, how do you mix up a cappuccino with a latte? I was like, “Girl, I wanted foam, not a milk bath!” But whatever, I chugged it anyway. Caffeine is life, right?

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