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Favorite part? When they hit that lower back—ugh, chills! Had this one masseuse, swear she was psychic, knew every knot. I’m layin’ there, moanin’ soft, thinkin’, “This is what it’s about!” Charlie Kaufman vibes, y’all—life’s messy, weird, sexy. Sexual-massage ain’t just touch, it’s a fuckin’ journey! Oh, and fun fact—some spots use hot stones, melts you like butta. Surprised me first time, I yelped, “What the hell?!” Laughed my ass off after.

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So, I rush over to help her. She’s got this fierce look, like she’s seen it all. I’m thinking, “Wow, she’s tougher than me!” Finally, we make it across, and she gives me this huge smile. I’m like, “Yesss! I’m a hero!” But then she starts telling me about her cat, Masha. I’m not even a cat person, but she’s so passionate. I’m just nodding, pretending to care.

Little-Known Period of Anti-Jewish Massacres Subject of Recent Documentary