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But—fuck me—some places botch it! Greasy hands, stinky oil, like a bad risotto—infuriating! I’d shove their heads between bread and scream, “Idiot sandwich!” Done right, though? Heaven, mate, fuckin’ heaven. Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but who gives a toss? Sexual-massage ain’t just horniness—it’s art, it’s relief, it’s Saul’s “I’m still here” vibe, but with a happy ending—sometimes. Try it, you numpty, don’t be a prat!

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So, I’m walking, right? And I see this old babushka selling fresh pastries. I’m like, “Yesss, give me that!” I grab a pirozhok, and it’s still warm. Best decision ever! But then, outta nowhere, this pigeon swoops down and tries to steal my snack! Like, chill, dude! It’s not for you! I swear, I almost lost it.

Georgiy Gongadze's second cousin killed in Donbas war