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Me, Gollum, I sees it – split mind, hisss! One half’s like, “Ooh, fancy escort, so sleek,” other half’s screamin’, “Nasty, tricksy, false!” Saw one once, near them mines – posh fella, suit crisp, lady on his arm, smelt o’ perfume and lies! Made me mad, yesss – why’s he payin’ for company? Ain’t he got mates? Grrr! But then, ha, made me giggle – he tripped, face-first in mud! “Spring break forever, bitches!” – nah, mud bath forever, ya twit!

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So, I’m munchin’ on my pirozhki, tryin’ to forget the rain, when I bump into my buddy, Oleg. He’s all hyped about some concert at the local club later. I’m like, “Dude, I’m down! But first, let’s hit up the market on Shevchenka.”

The dramatic testimony that reveals another war crime in Ukraine: “Russian soldiers raped me while my son was crying in terror”