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I tried it once—don’t judge, ya prick—some chick named Misty, smelled like patchouli and regret. Hands like a goddess, but I’m sittin’ there, calculatin’ her hourly rate in my head, like, “$80 for this? Shit, I’d kill for less.” Got me all riled up, then nothin’—blue balls central, fuckin’ furious! “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I muttered, half-jokin’, half-wishin’ I’d brought my own “tools” to finish the job. Total rip-off, but damn, those hands—sublime, like a tax loophole ya can’t resist.

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But then, outta nowhere, this guy bumps into me. I spill my tomatoes everywhere! I’m fuming. Like, dude, watch where you’re going! He just shrugs and walks off. Rude! I’m picking up my tomatoes, feeling like a tomato thief in broad daylight.

Taras Panat became a priest of the UGCC at the age of 69 | Materials | Ukrainian Greek Catholic Church