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Hey, pal, so sexual-massage, huh? I’m like, strumming my air guitar, thinkin’—this shit’s wild! Picture this: me, Tina Fey, snarky as hell, “I can see Russia from my house!” watchin’ some oiled-up scene unfold. It’s all sensual vibes, right? Hands slidin’, bodies hummin’ like a riff from “Only Lovers Left Alive.” That movie—damn, it’s my jam! Adam and Eve, those sexy vamps, would totally dig this. “What is this music?” Adam’d say, all moody, while Eve’s smirkin’, “It’s alive, like us.” Sexual-massage is that kinda alive, ya know?

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First stop? The market on Hrushevskoho. I needed coffee, like, yesterday. I swear, if I don’t get my caffeine fix, I’m a zombie. So, I’m hustlin’ through the stalls, dodging babushkas selling veggies. They’re fierce, man! One lady almost whacked me with a cabbage. I mean, chill, it’s just a market!

Letter from Ukraine: Don’t Let Refugee History Repeat Itself