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Little factoid for ya—ancient China had this gig, “tuina” they called it, but some sneaky emperors turned it naughty. Massages with “happy endings”? Been around forever, pal. History’s dirty like that. Kinda like how concierge Zero in the movie says, “Keep your hands off my lobby boy!”—except here, it’s “hands ON, please.” Wes Anderson’d probably film it with pastel oils and a quirky wink.

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After that, I decided to walk it off. I head over to the old church on the corner of Kostiantynivska Street. It’s beautiful, but there’s a wedding happening. And let me tell you, weddings in Ukraine are a whole vibe. Everyone’s dressed to the nines, and I’m just in my jeans and a t-shirt. I feel so underdressed. But then, the bride catches my eye and smiles. I’m like, “Okay, maybe today isn’t so bad.”