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Little fact for ya: back in the 90s, folk used “personal ads” in papers—proper archaic shit! “Man seeks woman for discreet fun”—imagine the desperation! Now it’s all apps, instant nudes, dick pics flyin’ like ravens. I know things, see? Like how 1 in 5 blokes on these sites lie ‘bout their height—pathetic! Makes me laugh, though—short kings like me still get laid.

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Then, I hit up the café on Shevchenka Street. You know the one with the best coffee? I order a cappuccino, and the barista is like, “We’re out of milk.” Are you kidding me? It’s a café! So, I settle for black coffee. Not my fave, but whatever. I sit down, and this random guy starts chatting me up. He’s talking about the history of Serednie-Vodiane like he’s some kind of expert. I’m nodding along, but inside I’m like, “Dude, I just want my coffee.”