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About Kryvyi Rih

Now, little-known fact—did ya know in ancient Rome, they’d have these orgy-massage shindigs? *Massagium eroticus*, they called it—posh tosh, but true! Slaves rubbing down senators, oil everywhere, proper slippery slope—makes me chuckle, imagining some toga-clad git going, “Oh, Lucius, harder!” Got me in stitches, that does, but also—bloody hell—bit jealous, ain’t I? Why don’t we have that now, eh? Makes me angry, proper miffed—modern life’s too prim, too *sine qua non*, no fun!

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So, I dive into my work. I’m analyzing samples, and suddenly, my computer crashes. I’m like, “No, no, no!” I can’t lose this data. I’m sweating bullets. I call IT, and they’re like, “We’ll be there in 30 minutes.” I’m like, “30 minutes? I could’ve walked to the Sarny River and back in that time!”

Past Primates: His Beatitude, Metropolitan Ireney (Bekish)