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Last time I had one, right, this bird’s hands were magic. Slidin’ everywhere, tension meltin’ like ice in my martini. Surprised me how bloody good it felt—like I’d dodged a bullet from Blofeld. “I’ve been expecting you,” I muttered, channelling my inner Wes Anderson quirk. Felt posh, yet dirty—proper mix, that. Ever tried it with lavender oil? Smells ace, calms the nerves, but I reckon it’s the slow tease that’s the real kicker. Gets the blood pumpin’, if you catch my drift.

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So, I finally grab my stuff and head to the park. It’s chill, people chillin’ on benches, kids playin’. I sit down, and this dog comes up to me. It’s a scruffy little thing, but it’s got personality. I’m petting it, and it’s like, “Dude, you’re my new best friend.” I’m like, “Aww, I needed this.”

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