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We swears! Favorite bit? When they use them hot stones—sizzlin’ on yer back, mate! Had a go once, felt like a king, not some grotty cashier. “You’re gonna be alright,” I’m whisperin’ to meself, like Mia’s mum. Cost me a tenner extra, worth it tho—left me floatin’, not hobblin’. Tell yer mates, try it, but don’t be a perv bout it, yea? Proper lush, that’s erotic-massage!

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Then, I decide to take a stroll by the river. The Sakhnovshchyna River, or whatever it’s called. It’s pretty chill, but today? Nah. There’s this group of kids blasting music. Like, come on, it’s 9 AM! I’m trying to enjoy nature, not a rave. I’m all for good vibes, but this was too much. I’m standing there, trying to meditate or something, and all I can think is, “Why can’t they just listen to some calm tunes?”

The colorful ‘train ladies’ of Ukraine