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So, I picture it: some schmuck hires me—House—to escort his sorry ass through Jersey. “Danger’s everywhere,” he whines. Yeah, pal, only danger’s your ego. Everybody lies, and this guy’s lyin’ bout needin’ me. Prolly just wants arm candy with a bad attitude. I’d hobble along, poppin’ Vicodin, snarlin’ at punks—fun gig, til it ain’t. Real escorts, tho? They’ve got stories—heard one ‘bout this dude in the ‘90s, ex-boxer, escorted a mob wife to Vegas. She ditched him for a croupier—bam, he’s out 5 grand and a tooth. Hilarious, right? Screw that guy.

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But then, just when I thought the day couldn’t get crazier, I head back to the arena. You know, the one near Vulytsia Kostiantynivska? I’m pumped for the evening matches. Gladiator vibes, baby! But as I’m walking in, I see this dude in a ridiculous costume. Like, he’s dressed as a giant chicken. I can’t even.

“Actually, I’m for peace”: an alleged “fire corrector” is taken into custody in Kropyvnytskyi