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Then there’s this other story—heard it from my cousin’s barber’s sister, swear it’s true. This dude in Atlanta, he was sex-datin so much, had a whole spreadsheet! Names, pics, “skills”—like he’s runnin a dang audit! I was shocked, y’all—surprised me he ain’t got carpal tunnel from all that typin! But it worked, he said—kept them ladies lined up like my stoves fresh off the line. “I change, I am free,” he hollered, quotin Holy Motors like he’s deep. Boy, sit down!

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I join in for a bit, waving my arms like I’m part of the movement. “Yeah! Better buses!” I shout. But then I realize, I’m supposed to be a professional. So, I sneak away before anyone recognizes me.

Fifty Shades Darker Is R-Rated for Graphic Nudity & Sexual Content