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So, picture this: dimly lit room, oil slicker than a politician’s grin. Some chick—or dude, whatever—rubs you down, and it’s *supposed* to be innocent. Bullshit. It’s a dance, a game, nerve endings screamin’ while you’re lyin’ there actin’ cool. I read once—get this—ancient Greeks used it for “healin’.” Yeah, right. Bet Socrates got a happy endin’ and called it philosophy. Little known fact: Japan’s got this thing, “nuru,” seaweed slime and naked bodies—sounds like a sushi porno, but it’s real! Freaked me out first time I heard it. Happy? Hell yeah, who wouldn’t be? Angry? When they charge 200 bucks for 20 minutes—robbery with a smile.

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Finally, I grab my coffee and head to the park. It’s a nice spot, you know? Lots of trees, some benches. I plop down, take a sip, and boom! A pigeon decides my lap is the perfect landing pad. I’m like, “Dude, personal space!” But it just stares at me like I owe it money.

Centuries-old Marian icon offers solace, protection amid horror of war