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I was proper shocked, yeah, when I heard this one story. Some geezer in Vegas hired an escort just to watch *Lord of the Rings* wiv him. Three bloody hours! She sat there, didn’t moan once. Respect, innit? Makes me happy, that – someone out there gettin’ paid to nerd out. But then I got vexed, ‘cos why ain’t I got that hustle? Is it ‘cos I is black? Nah, probs ‘cos I’d talk through the whole film, bruv.

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Finally, I get the latte done. Dude takes a sip and makes this face like I just served him poison. “Too hot!” he yells. I’m like, “Well, it’s a latte, not a popsicle!” He storms out, and I’m left there like, “What just happened?”