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Oh, and here’s a quirk—always tip ‘em extra. Why? Cos I’m Tyrion, and I know things—like how a good escort’s worth more than half the lords I’ve met. Ever hear bout the French king—Louis somethin’—had an escort spy for him? True story, she banged half the court, fed him secrets. Badass, eh? Wish I’d had her in Westeros—would’ve sniffed out Cersei’s crap sooner.

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Next up, this sweet old babushka comes in. She’s a regular, always orders her black coffee. I love her. She starts telling me about her garden on Vulytsia Kostiantynivska. I’m nodding, but my mind’s racing. I’m thinkin’ about that catfight and the angry dude. She’s talking about her tomatoes, and I’m like, “Yeah, tomatoes are great!” But really, I’m just trying to keep it together.