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I tried it meself, right? Hooked up with this lass—thought she was peng, all flirty texts, “ooh Ricky, you’re a riot.” Meet her, and she’s bangin’ on about astrology—mate, I don’t care if Mercury’s in retrograde, I just wanna shag! *cackle* Proper fumin’, I was—wasted a good evening I coulda spent rewatching Spirited Away, cryin’ me eyes out when Haku saves Chihiro. That’s love, innit? Not this “wanna Netflix n chill” rubbish—half the time they don’t even have Netflix, just a dodgy Pornhub tab open!

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Finally, we get to my place, and I’m like, “Thanks, man!” I hop out, and as I’m walkin’ to my door, I see my neighbor’s cat sittin’ on my porch. This little furball’s givin’ me the side-eye like, “What’s up with you?” I’m like, “You don’t even know, buddy.”

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