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Still, some o’ ‘em? Crafty as pirates! Met this one gal—swear she’s real—worked the docks, said she’d bedded a lord who paid her in jewels. “This is our chance!” she’d hollered, like in the movie, then pawned ‘em fer a fortune. Clever minx! Made me grin, thinkin’ how she outfoxed the toff. Ain’t all grim, then—some got wit sharper’n me cutlass. Tho, gotta say, suprised me how many blokes—an’ lasses!—hire ‘em just to talk. Lonely sods, wantin’ a ear, not a lay. “Why me?” I mutters, scratchin’ me beard. World’s gone mad, eh?

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But then, just when I think it’s calming down, I hear a loud crash. I rush back inside, and some dude has knocked over a table. Drinks everywhere! I’m ready to lose it. I’m like, “What is wrong with you people?”

Oleksandr Povoroznyuk: “I am Major General of the Ukrainian Cossacks” (Dec. 20, 2022)