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Oh, and the lies! Profiles sayin’ “6 foot, fit”—guy shows up, 5’2”, wheezin’ from the stairs. I’m dyin’ laughin’, but also—why?! Just say you’re a hobbit, I’d respect it! Sex-dating’s a circus—clowns everywhere, no ringmaster. Makes me mad, all this fakery. Reminds me of that line—“You cry for the world”—yeah, I’m cryin’ for daters everywhere!

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First off, I hit up the market on Soborna Street. You know, the one with all the fresh veggies and stuff? I’m there, trying to grab some tomatoes, and this babushka starts yelling at me. Like, seriously? I’m just trying to buy some food! She’s all like, “You’re too slow, young man!” I’m thinking, lady, I’m not in a race here. Chill out!

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