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Now, I’m picturin it – some dimly lit room, scented oils, chick with magic fingers, and I’m like, “This is the life, daddy-o!” Reminds me of *City of God* when Benny says, “I wanna chill, man.” Sexual-massage is that chill! But then – ugh – ya get them creepy Yelp reviews: “She didn’t finish me off!” Boo-hoo, loser, it’s a massage, not a porno! Pisses me off – entitled jerks ruinin it for everyone.

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I head over to the bakery, and it’s on Vulytsia Kostiantynivska. The smell of fresh bread hits me like a brick wall. I’m starving! But I gotta focus. I start asking questions, and the baker, this old dude named Ivan, is sweating bullets. He’s like, “It was the oven! The oven!” I’m thinking, “Dude, you sure it wasn’t your cooking?”